SPUDQUEST
Episode 1- Rabbit Stew
Author's note: If this is the first time you have read Spudquest then you would best review the facts: Pestigor, an unsuccessful Chaos Lord was gifted a mighty Daemon Sword by Nurgle, dubbed 'Doomblight'. It is a potent Plague Sword forged by Nurgle Himself and is permanently welded to Pestigor's hand. Unfortunately, it was all a huge postal service cockup. The weapon was supposed to be delivered to Spud Bubonicus, the mightiest warrior in the Eye of Terror. Rather it was given to our unfortunate hero, a wimpy weed exiled from his chapter because of an amusing practical joke involving a Daemon Prince and an explosive lavatory. As a result, Doomblight is stuck with Pestigor until Spud is located and the Weapon detaches itself from Pestigor. Daemons are not noted for their good temperament and as such Doomblight attempts homicide on his new master whenever circumstances allow. Think of it as punishment for being a sniveling coward.
Pestigor leads a small warband of Plague Marines - Skink, a priest with a fish fixation. Gargan, fat lout with all the tactical cunning of a lemming sandwich. And Drab, a Genestealer Hybrid with a fungal foot infection. Together with Pestigor and Doomblight, the five travel the Universe in search of the mighty Spud so he may take the Doomblight and reap havoc upon mankind. And so Pestigor rest easy, safe from self-assassination.
His travels have led him to the world of Utopia. Here the Ultramarines have been waging war on the forces of Chaos for a good few months. Lynched form his spacecraft, Pestigor is mistaken for someone who can actually fight and placed in charge of the Chaos horde. And miraculous as it may seem, they appear to be winning...
Marneus Calgar surveyed the battle. He liked surveying things. Every minute spent surveying meant another minute that he wasn't fighting. He watched impassively as his right flank folded and the Chaos hordes overran the second company. The bestial roars of the Plague Marines mixed with the girly screams of the Ultramarines. "Oh! How ghastly!" ponced Captain Invictus, the only marine in the universe who could make Tactical Dreadnought Armour look camp. Calgar nodded before prancing off to his personal Land Raider. The door opened to reveal a pink exterior, complete with full-length mirrors and furry dice. The master of the Ultramarines slid into his cushioned driving seat. He moaned with pain. "Oh, this power armour is hell on my piles..." he beat his buttocks around the velvet padding, in search of a more comfy position. "Right, let's do what an Ultramarine does best!" "Run away?" Invictus minced hopefully. Calgar shook his head. "No, we will have to give those Chaos boys a jolly good slapping!" Calgar mimed the action with the gauntlets of Macragge. "Oh Marneus! You are naughty!" Invictus giggled. The Land Raider mage a grating noise as Calgar grinded the gears. "Oops, that's reverse..." Calgar battled with the controls as the Land Raider rumbled backwards. The runaway tank crushed an unlucky scout squad, leaving a dazed survivor mouthing obscenities at Calgar. "Marneus!" Invictus squealed, "Do something!" "Can't, power steering has failed and I don't have the strength to turn it!" Calgar howled in fear. "Use the brakes!" Invictus assumed the crash position and began to tremble violently. "We're gonna die!" Calgar's eyes bulged in terror "We're gonna die and its all my fault! Aaaaaaarrrrrrggghh!"
Pestigor the Vile stomped through the Ultramarine line, laughing manically. "Come on you bunch of wet ponces!" the saintly hero jeered as the squealing Ultramarines ran for their lives. Doomblight swung back and forth, carving lumps from the boys in blue. "Chaos claim thy soul!" snarled the Daemon weapon, disembowelling a Sergeant with one sweep. The evil sword glowed with Plague energies as Pestigor stopped for a second to view the carnage. Gargan was currently jumping up and down, pancaking a felled scout while Drab was scratching himself with his third arm. Skink scrabbled in the dirt, savaging ammo from the corpses. "Pestigor you maggot!" growled Doomblight "Why have you stopped when there are still foes to kill?" The sword struggled in the marine's grip, desperate to get on with the slaying. "Quiet Doomblight!" Pestigor cursed, diving behind a handy wall "Methinks I hear the rumble of a tank fast approaching." "You wretched coward!" Doomblight swung for his master. Pestigor grabbed his arm and stayed the weapon. What a life. he thought. Constantly being throttled by your own right arm...The Daemon had possessed not only the sword but also the appendage which held it. Pestigor had to sleep with half of his body in chained to the bed in fear of waking up to find that his sword had cut his head off. "Alright, by Nurgle, we will take the tank! But only when it gets close. To engage it at range is suicide!" Pestigor diplomatically appealed to Doomblight's violent side and the Daemon stopped struggling. "My liege!" Skink called out form his vantage point "A Land Raider approaches!" "Now!" Pestigor lunged from his position, fully expecting to be vaporised by las-fire. The tank had apparently suffered a malfunction and was rolling backwards towards him. Thanking the Plague lord for his good fortune, Pestigor charged the colossal machine. "We're out of its fire arc! Nurgle be praised!" Gargan opened fire with a looted heavy bolter, ripping a hole from the rear armour and blowing out the engines. The tank slewed to a halt, crashing into a wall. Two figures stumbled from the wreckage, coughing and gagging on the smoke before falling in a quivering heap. "Get away you horrid brutes!" The camp looking one threw a grenade at Pestigor's feet. "Oh shi..." He stared dumfounded at the device. His final moments were upon him. This was the end! The expected explosion did not come. There was an ominous hiss of gas... "Invictus, I'd like to point out that we're upwind." The Ultramarines huddled together as a puff of gas hit them full in the face. Everyone started to scream...
"Spiders!" Marneus batted at the foul insects as they crawled all over him. "Get away!" He rolled on the ground, clawing at his armour as the arachnids scuttled inside the armored suit. Several made a mass exodus towards his nasal cavity. Marne us began to scream again.
Invictus looked in contempt at his commander. The traitor had lured him here to die! Marneus was on the side of the unspeakable Chaos hordes! But he had made his fatal folly, and Invictus was about to end the treacherous ways of Marneus Calgar, oh yes vengeance would be his!
"Bunnies!" Pestigor gaped in horror as cute, white rabbits hopped playfully around his feet. One stopped to wrinkle its nose in an endearing fashion. "Die foul rodents!" Pestigor attempted to squash them with his power-armoured boots, but they dodged away at the last second and returned to smother him with love and affection. They pulled him down and cuddled the Chaos lord. He stared in panic at a particularly cute albino, nibbling at some grass. Then he too began to scream...
Pestigor snapped back to reality. Hallucinogen grenades. A tactic only a hippy Ultramarine would even consider. He stood above the gibbering idiots, one of whom was pointing the wrong end of his bolter at his fellow marine. He watched with amusement as the stupid one pulled of his codpiece and began tenderizing his gonads with a power fist while screaming something about spiders. Tiring of the spectacle, he raised Doomblight for the final blow...
The Inquisitor strode through the debris. The battle had finished two months ago, and he was destroying any evidence. It was true, every chapter has it's own geneseed defects. The Space Wolves grew fangs, the Blood Angels occasionally went psychotic and the Ultramarines were raving homosexuals. If word got out to the rest of humanity that it's saviors were a bunch of limp wristed failures, well they would be the laughing stock of the galaxy! With a sigh, he turned the flamer on another corpse. It looked like it was going to be a long millennium.
Displayed with permission from author Dark Nation, contact through ICQ no.57672302. Please do not copy without permission.